Whether it’s forgetting about Show & Tell or not being able to attend the winter holiday program because of a work obligation, I can’t be the only mom whose first response to even the most minor mommy fail is: “I’d better start saving for therapy co-pays now.” But after almost 12 years of being a (flawed, mistake-making) mother, I’ve discovered, shockingly, that my kids are turning out pretty well even though I have screwed up at least 500,000 times during those years. And with that in mind, I hereby give myself, and all other mothers, permission to stop feeling guilty every time we fall short of parenting perfection.
Specifically, ladies, can we all agree to stop agonizing over:
- Date night. My 9-year-old daughter pouts every time my husband and I have plans for a sans-kiddies dinner or movie scheduled. She’s sooooo jealous that we get to have fun without her. But, we’re role-modeling a healthy adult relationship. I guess we will have to wait a few decades for her to thank us.
- Not breastfeeding. We all know “breast is best,” and hopefully you did nurse. But if you didn’t, take heart: your child isn’t doomed for a low IQ, allergies, obesity or any other unfortunate fate. This was one fork in the road among thousands, and throughout the 18-or-so years he’ll be in your home, you’ve got countless other opportunities to help him become healthy, happy and totally amazing!
- Not being as skinny and adorable as you were pre-kids. Let’s focus on the fact that you created a human being, not your extra pounds. Although if you have extra pounds and want to lose them—or you are the envy of the carpool and indeed are skinnier and more adorable than ever—that doesn’t make you vain or selfish, either!
- Taking a shower, using the bathroom, or any other activity that requires putting your clingy baby down. It’s OK for a baby to fuss for a few moments so you can feel like a human being again. The cumulative effect of never putting your basic needs first is getting rundown and cranky, or worse.
- Missing a milestone. Maybe your baby took her first steps while in daycare, or spoke her first two-word phrase when you left her with your husband to go shopping. Disappointing? Yes. A sign that you’re a bad mother? NO! As a mom of an almost-teenager, I can tell you it would be a much more meaningful “miss” if you weren’t there to lend an ear to hear about that first crush or to offer advice about dealing with that “mean” science teacher.
- Not feeding your children “perfectly.” We all want our kids to eat healthy, but if your daughter has manipulated a boy in the lunchroom to trade his Lunchables for the healthy yogurt parfait and kale chips you packed, fret not. Offer a healthy, whole-food based supplement or blend up a smoothie with a superfood powder and try not to worry so much about what’s being eaten outside of your presence.
- Losing your cool. There’s a difference between subjecting your children to frequent outbursts and meltdowns—not a good idea—and never, ever letting them see you sweat, swear or sob. If your kids overheard you and your husband argue or saw you cry when you got passed over for the promotion, you’re just being human. And if you lost your cool at them, apologize and move on.
- Spoiling them. She had a nightmare and you let her sleep in your bed…for the past six months. Your toddler has a pacifier and a language delay, and even though the pediatrician said no more pacis, you can’t seem to give up the Nuk. So, yes, these are things you need to fix. It can’t go on like this indefinitely. But stop beating yourself up! Some perspective: your daughter isn’t going to ask you to sleep in her college dorm with her one day, and your toddler’s not going to have a pacifier in his pocket during his first job interview.
- Not being Susie Homemaker. You know those Pack ‘n Play portable cribs that some people use as playpens? We still use one…and I have a 4-year-old. Not for the children, but for the laundry. Because, who has time to fold it? My children aren’t putting my dinners on Instagram and every time someone says they’re “dropping by” for a visit, I send everyone out of the house and start throwing things in bins and closets. I have decided not to feel guilt about this; if I wanted to be tidier, I’d have to quit my job, quit spending time with my children, or perhaps both.
- Or staying at home. Or working from home. Or working part-time. Everyone thinks the “Mommy Wars” are among mothers, but I’d say they are really brewing within ourselves. That’s because the concept of “having it all” is a fairy tale and there are real drawbacks to every situation—whether that means living on less income or having less time with the people you love the most. But ultimately, if you devote yourself to your children, they will thrive, no matter what you’re putting on your W2.
What mommy “sins” do you feel guilty about? Comment below!