Bat-wielding toddlers and other occupational hazards

by | Updated: December 4th, 2016 | Read time: 2 minutes

Have you ever been hit on the foot with a baseball bat? An aluminum one? I hope not. Because my 1 1/2 year old just threw a bat on my foot while he was having a tantrum, and it really hurt. I might have screamed some profanities. Charlie’s not really talking yet, beyond “Mama” and “Bmmm-ah!” (kiss-blowing), but with my luck, tomorrow he’ll tell his preschool teacher, “#@!%#.”

As I saw stars and hopped helplessly around our house, I thought of all the other injuries I’ve suffered at the hands of my adorable children:

  • At our older son’s recent little league practice, a kid hit a baseball directly towards Charlie’s head, and since I can’t catch, I blocked the ball with my body. Or more specifically, my big ole mama butt. Charlie was fine. I had a baseball-sized black-and-blue mark on my upper thigh for a while.
  • Legos + the tender skin on your bare foot’s instep=#@$&@ why can’t you kids clean your room?!
  • At one point when my oldest two were little and I was a stay-at-home mom, I was literally too busy to pee. Which I didn’t notice until I got shooting lower back pains and spiked a high fever. Talk about the UTI from hell. I wheeled the double stroller into urgent care and said, “Help!!”
  • My oldest once projectile-vomited…straight into my ear canal. (That wasn’t physically painful, but it’s going on this list, all the same.)
  • Cutting toys out of hard plastic wrappings has led to some puncture wounds. I’ve been pelted with sippy cups filled with milk. And let’s not even get into pregnancy or nursing. If I ever feel the need to torture someone, I will make them sit topless in a very cold office room across the hall from the male computer programmers with the Medela Pump-in-Style attached to their breasts.

But did I mention that Charlie, who isn’t really talking, has been saying the word, “Mama?” And that when he sees me, he says, “Bmmm-mah!” and puckers up those little lips. Lil’ slugger.

Jorie is the “Vitamom” who edits She has three kids, ages 19 months to 9 years. She cooks her French toast in extra-virgin coconut oil, and man, is that good.