They don’t sell nipple clamps at the hardware store.

by | Updated: December 3rd, 2016 | Read time: 3 minutes

I am one of the many women who read the now-infamous Fifty Shades of Grey, and like most women, I had a mixed reaction to it, which I can summarize in three words: “Ouch!” “What?!” and,  “Hmmmm….” My biggest “Hmmmm…,” was over Christian Grey’s obsession with the way Ana bit her lower lip. That part was pretty hot. There probably should be a disclaimer on the books that says, “Don’t try this at

laters baby

home,” because when I test-drove the biting-on-the-lower-lip move in the privacy of my bedroom, my husband’s reaction was: “Oh…baby…” which sounds like this is going to get really sexy, except the rest of his sentence was: “oh, baby…I think there’s a piece of spinach caught between your teeth.” And then he reached over and pulled the spinach leaf out. (Anastasia Steele I am not.)

But a lot of my more adventurous mommy friends are totally cool with “trying this at home,” to the point that they’ve been searching high and low for Ben Wa balls. If you don’t recall this part from the book, Fifty offered these shiny objects to Anastasia as a gift, for her to wear discreetly when they went out to dinner. The balls kind of wiggled around up there all evening, and any time she laughed or moved abruptly, she’d become quasi-orgasmic. (I am not sure how I personally feel about always being on the brink of orgasm, particularly at inappropriate moments, like driving over a pothole in the carpool line or having the barista at Starbucks make a surprisingly funny wisecrack about my nonfat latte. But I digress.)

Anyway, I am here to inform my mommy friends that the company I work for,, sells these Ben Wa balls. Vitacost is all about “taking the cost out of healthy living,” which is why you won’t find better prices on quinoa, calcium chews, chemical-free deodorant or extra-virgin coconut oil anywhere else. And apparently, we also take the cost out of having accidental orgasms at Starbucks. That’s healthy living, all right!

No one will ever accuse us of having a skimpy sex-toy inventory. We happen to  sell just about everything mentioned in Fifty Shades of Grey at very deep discounts. You won’t have to go to the pet store and pretend you’re shopping for your imaginary, disobedient German shepherd, because you can get collars and whips at Vitacost, and add them to your cart along with your dye-free disposable diapers. In fact, we’ve  got everything you need to stock your own Red Room of Pain.

Including nipple clamps. Which is one item you can’t find at PetSmart or  the Home Depot; much of  E. L. James’ books seem like she might be trying to amp up the hardware industry with all that mention of twine and rope.

But honestly, if you’re going to be tied up, wouldn’t you rather use our cute zebra-fur handcuffs instead?

Jorie is the “Vitamom” who edits She has three kids, ages 18 months to 9 years. After the pouty-lip-spinach-teeth misadventure, she put dental floss on AutoShip.