In October, my dog Toby died. It was awful. It still is awful. Even though we knew he was sick, very sick, and even though I thought I was prepared, I was so far from prepared for the giant aching hole his passing would leave inside my heart. I’d lost a pet before, when I was in grade school, but I have no recollection of that loss in any emotional context. Basically, this was all new to me. And the tricky part was, it was new to my kids, too.
Because fate is a cruel witch, my husband was out of town when Toby passed, which meant no only did he not get to say goodbye to him, but I was trying to manage my own grief in the midst of juggling the grief of our three kids. If there had been a book called Crash Course in Grief for Dummies, I could have used it right about then. But I’ll share with you what I learned about helping kids grieve a pet in those wee hours of the night when I had a minute to reflect.
1. Don’t “silver lining” it. There’s no silver lining to losing a pet. While it’s important to call on your spiritual and religious beliefs in this time, don’t try to make it OK with platitudes like “everything happens for a reason.” Don’t try to distract them with buying toys, eating food or other things that can turn into negative coping mechanisms.
2. Don’t lie to your kids. Knowing the honest truth of why Toby tied — he had congestive heart failure, that he was sick with something we couldn’t cure and his heart stopped — was important for them to understand. Knowing the truth helps kids process the realities of death, but keep it age appropriate.
3. Be familiar with and prepared for the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Blame, Depression and Acceptance. Each child (and person) will go through these stages differently, and sometimes a person will skip over one altogether. Son never had any anger, but lingered in self-blame for a while, whereas Middle Daughter Started in blame and then went back to anger. Make sure you communicate that everything they’re feeling is normal.
4. Respect their emotional needs. This brings me to my Littlest. She’s stuck in denial, she doesn’t want to talk about Toby, look at pictures of him, or anything. She’s avoiding it completely. I’m watching carefully, waiting for when she is ready to take the next step. But remember, denial isn’t a healthy place to stay, so if you’re children need help moving through the phases, like my Littlest, be their guide.
5. Don’t hide your grief – within reason. Save your giant breakdown for when you’re privately with your own support system, but let your children know you’re hurting too. It’s extremely important to be a healthy role model of the grieving process. They’re watching you for cues about how to handle all these emotions.
6. Memorialize your pet in a way that fits your family’s spiritual beliefs and personal comfort level. We have a beautiful memory box with Toby’s collar, leash and remains. There are also pet cemeteries which can provide a great deal of comfort as well.